Tough Love Versus Bullying
We live in a society that is very vocal about ending bullying in schools between adolescents but we rarely speak about bullying in sport or in the workplace between authority figures and their subordinates. Particularly in sport, we have been taught to accept bullying in the form of “tough love”. What we do not take into account is the psychological and emotional repercussion of using bullying tactics as a way to motivate- especially in children.
I believe that most coaches or leaders are fundamentally good and want the best for their athletes or employees. But coaches need the proper resources and education to better understand the impact of their actions or inactions.
More than ever I hear things like “kids are soft these days. In my day we had to….” and it is a problem. We are likening “softness” to “weakness” when in actuality younger generations are being taught to pay attention to their emotions and address them instead of swallowing them. Being in tune with ones emotions and learning to set boundaries to protect ones mental health is the opposite of weak- it takes courage and strength.
In sport especially, coaches tend to get a pass when they get aggressive with their athletes because we have associated this type of behaviour with success in many cases. Tough coaches are the respected ones. But when is the label “tough” just a mask for “bully”?
First let’s define bullying:
Unwanted aggressive behaviour: I know a lot of coaches are thinking, “I’m just loud.” I hear that, but if you’re being aggressive and the athlete does not want that, that’s bullying. If you’re a coach and you’re listening, if you’re coming at somebody and they’re giving you a reaction that that’s not working for them, that is now unwanted aggressive behavior.
Observed or perceived power imbalance: Notice observed or perceived. In the conversation I was having earlier, it was a talk about how coaches get a bad rap because they’re just coaching and the kids are saying they’re being bullied. Well, you know what? If your kid is perceiving a power imbalance, where they think they don’t have a say, that their coach is powerful and they have to do what they say – that is bullying. Even if it’s just perceived. We’re going to believe the victim here.
Repetition of behaviours or a high likelihood of repetition: If your coach throws a fit, say they throw a beanbag across the gym yell, “Oh my gosh, you guys are driving me crazy!” That’s one thing. If it happens every day and you were like and you have cell phones and things flying at you, that is bullying.
There are also different types of bullying:
Direct vs. Indirect Bullying: Direct bullying is when you are yelling or chastising your athlete to their face. Indirect bullying is things like talking behind their back, isolating them or deliberately leaving them out or withholding feedback or giving them the “cold-shoulder”.
Physical Bullying and Property Damage: Here I am talking about things like going over to an athlete, a gymnast let’s say, and deliberately pushing them down hard into their splits because that’s going to make them more flexible. Was there consent? Is it hurting the athlete and they want it to stop? That is physical bullying/abuse. Maybe you throw something at your athlete in a fit of rage or give them a little smack upside the head. It doesn’t matter if they know you’re just trying to “help” them, that is physical bullying. Sometimes coaches throw things in a fit of anger. But if you deliberately choose to damage a players equipment to teach them a lesson- that is bullying.
Relational Abuse: Deliberately harming an athletes relationship with others. This can even mean turning an athlete against their own parents.
Now, let’s define what “tough love” or compassionate coaching looks like:
This doesn’t mean that you will never get angry, never raise your voice or never hold tough standards. The keyword in tough love coaching is love. Love is the guiding force. There is always an underlying respect of each persons mental and emotional well-being. Using stern, constructive words like “I know you can do better”. Saying, “That was terrible. I don’t want to see that again.” Instead, it’s, “Okay. That’s not what I was looking for. Here’s what I am looking for.” Here are some tips for creating a more supportive environment as a coach.
Trust: Trust is the basis on which every good relationship is built. If your athletes trust that you have their best interest at heart and want to see them succeed (and can separate their success from your own) you are far more likely to get cooperation and obedience without having to go to extreme measures. Set team-agreed expectations and consequences at the beginning of each season so that everyone understands and agrees on them. This way, when a rule is violated the consequence is expected and there are no surprises. Issues arise when unwanted and undetermined consequences or reactions happen OR if the coach doesn’t always follow through on what was agreed upon equally with each athlete. These things break trust. For example, if the consequence for being late for a game is you do not start and your star player shows up late, it doesn’t matter how much you need that player, they must not start.
Feedback: Whenever possible give feedback in private. Also, when possible, if there’s criticism, try to talk to that athlete up close, not scream it across the field, ice, gym, etc… Giving direction or constructive criticism, is never hurtful.
Communication: There shouldn’t be a power dynamic where the coach is allowed to speak and the athlete is not allowed to speak. Everybody’s allowed equal opportunity to communicate. This doesn’t mean the athletes get to walk all over the coaches, but communication is allowed and encouraged. That is the answer to almost every fear-related issue athletes have with coaches. That’s it – communication.
Consent: Also, in a tough love coaching situation or environment, you can be stern, but you also give the kid the ability to decide or provide consent for their body without fearing punishment. This means if you say, “Go up on the high beam and make 10,” and the athlete feels scared, they know they can come to you without getting yelled at, without getting demoralized or humiliated.
In summation, even if you are a tough coach, there’s nothing wrong with that. As long as it comes from love, communication is allowed and athletes are allowed to provide their own consent. I have had MANY tough coaches throughout the years but only ONE of those coaches was a bully and an abuser. There was little love or compassion, we were always scared to speak up and we rarely were allowed any input in terms of consent.
If you are wondering if your coach or child’s coach is using bullying tactice here are some signs:
The coach uses manipulation and fear tactics to motivate.
The coach humiliates the athlete in front of others.
The coach yells in a players face and the player reacts negatively.
The coach swears, uses degrading and discriminatory language.
The coach isolates the athlete often (kicking them out of practice, isolating them from the group, punishing them through isolation is bullying).
Rules apply to some kids but not others.
YOUR CHILD HAS DEVELOPED ANXIETY OR FEAR WHEN IT COMES TO THEIR SPORT. This isn’t always because of a coaching issue but it could be a warning sign.
The research paper, Male Coach-Female Athlete Relationships a Preliminary Description and Analysis of Abusive Male Coach written by Todd Crosset, eloquently concludes this about the motivation and impact of the abusive coach:
The abusive coach employs these tactics to gratify his own material or psychological needs. The dynamics of an abusive relationship are such that the relationship tends to perpetuate itself. As long as the athlete cooperates with the coach’s demands, the coach will feel some sort of satisfaction through his control. Until his sadistic tactics fail to gain control over the athlete, the coach will be content to continue with these methods. The social structure of sport, the relative stage of personal development and other social factors such as a gender relations and sex role socialization, although influential, do not casually determine the tactics employed by the coach. Rather, these factors make the athlete a likely victim of an abusive coach. The abusive coach validates himself by controlling others. He objectifies his athletes, viewing them as a means toward his ends. He desires to be the principle actor: The athletes are just mere extensions of him. He uses the athletes for his own ego-gratification. He dominates others in order to gain a sense of security. In turn, he becomes dependent on his victim’s subservience in order to feel a sense of worth. Thus he is compelled to convince them to remain subservient. Many sport critics have noted the empowering (Heide, 1978), liberating (Scott, 1979), enlightening (Lenk, 1984), or transcendent experience of sport. It is not infrequent for athletes, artists, poets, and musicians to be compared to each other. Similar to the artist and his work, the athlete can discover and transcend herself through sport. Both vocations can be creative and liberating. The abusive coach, however, destroys the transcendent element of sport and reduces the athletic experience to an exercise in domination